If it's one thing 2020 has given me, it's time to think. To think about life, my place in this world, my family, my mental health and how much I love my nanny, Netflix. Now, this isn't directly a pandemic post, (though that's coming), but let's be honest- the pandemic is pretty hard to avoid at this point. Unless, of course, you're President Trump. What I wanted to share with you is a very valuable lesson, meh, maybe insight, that has really hit home for me throughout the chaos of this year.
I don't have to tell you, but this year has been hard. Like hella hard. Like dumpster fire in a train wreck in a shit show kind of hard. I've struggled with my mental health, questioned my abilities to parent, mourned the loss of my identity outside of being a mom, and felt the heartbreak of a world crumbling around us. Sounds about right, huh?
As the weight of this "new normal", (fuck, I literally want to punch every person that says this in the face but here we are), set in and I started to grow heavier and heavier, I also assumed such an immense guilt for that struggling. A guilt for feeling these things. My family is among the lucky, the privileged. We haven't lost income. We have the ability to hunker down with my parents who help me out TREMENDOUSLY, (shout out to you, Mom!). We have the option to stay home and stay physically healthy. I don't have a place, dare I say, a right to be downright downtrodden. Such a heap of shit.
My point to all of this is that life isn't one thing or the other. It's full of dualities, delicately balancing the line between the black and white. A wise friend told me something like this - we are all riding the same storm, we just have different boats. That is one of my greatest lessons of 2020, and there have been many.
So now, I still struggle with the heartbreak of my child missing her first year of kindergarten and her tears longing for friends, of wondering if I'm doing enough to help my children thrive, and missing seeing my late brother's daughter- my only connection to him. But what is different is that there is no longer guilt for feeling those things. I don't need to validate my emotions as they are just as real as the pile of laundry that grows taller by the day, but I do pair them with a fuck-ton of gratitude for what I do have, and that's a lot.
So friends, embrace the tug of the two sides. Feel the intensity of the opposition. Realize that your feelings are valid, maybe a little confusing even, and then realize it's what makes you human and makes you whole. In the words of one of my brother's favorite musicians, Johnny Cash, "I walk the line."
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