This is the week that marks the 1 year anniversary of when time came to a screeching halt. I was in an Uber with our friend, Luke, to go have dinner at Ecco, the restaurant that my husband was managing, when I got the announcement that schools would be closing effective immediately. I knew in that moment that we were in for an endless summer but I wasn’t yet aware of the gravity of the whole situation.
That evening we wined, dined and enjoyed each other’s company. We now fondly refer to that night as our “Last Supper’. It was the last time I have been inside a restaurant in a year. The following day my husband and I went to the grocery store and the liquor store to stock up, like the world was ending, and in some ways, it was. It was the last time I have stepped foot inside a grocery store.
There was a certain novelty to our situation in the beginning. Kind of like a snow day that starts off fun and exciting but then turns into days being locked inside with grey ice and sludge. I’m kind of lazy by nature so not having to get 3 small children dressed and out the door was a little bit of a relief. I had full gusto with my homeschool plan that fizzled out as quickly as it started. The emotional rollercoaster of this past year started to take off only a few weeks in.
If I could describe this past year in one word it would be ‘complicated’. I have experienced tremendous emotional, mental and physical challenges throughout this pandemic but also moments that I wouldn’t have experienced.
I haven’t seen my brother in 5 months and missed out on so many milestones of his son’s life. The loss of this time and connection left me feeling like I was mourning the loss of yet another brother. But it also helped me face the grief of losing Andrew, something that I have been avoiding for the better part of 3 years.
I have watched my children struggle, likely due to all that they are longing for, without the ability to process all that is happening. Friends, school, playgrounds, ice cream shops and their beloved Hippo Hop, to name a few. However, this time gifted us the opportunity to spend more time together than we ever would have. There have been backyard camp outs, bonfires, pizza parties, taco nights and SO MANY SNUGGLES. The bond I feel with my children and the bond that they have created with each other is stronger than it ever would have been. I have watched them learn from one another, pick each other up and play from morning until night.
My outgoing and vivacious kindergartener has struggled the most. She thrives off of her connection to others so virtual learning has given her nothing to fill her cup. There have been tears, begging, pleading and outright refusal to participate. Through these struggles I have seen the incredible compassion and dedication of educators. They are real life heroes.
I’ve experienced periods throughout this pandemic when my anxiety and situational depression has crippled me, wondering how I was going to get up and face another day. This feeling led me to getting on medication, starting therapy and reaffirming the importance of my work with mental health as a yoga therapist.
I want to be completely transparent. We are privileged. My husband had a new job in the corporate world set up right as the pandemic hit. He went from being away from us 60-70 hours a week to working from home and having dinner and bedtime with us every night for the last year. Because of this transition, we also didn’t experience the financial hardships that so many have suffered through. And most importantly, this presented us with the ability to stay home keeping us healthy. My parents live about a 1 minute walk away from us so we have bubbled together and they help me with the kids on a regular basis. My mom happens to also be my best friend so we have still enjoyed walks, deep conversation and just the comfort of each other’s company. All of this has left me with a regular and deep practice of gratitude.
All of this to say, life is filled with so many silver linings. We have to get comfortable with acknowledging the challenging times and have faith that the good will be revealed. Easier said than done, I know, but I invite you to try to find the good in something today. I know that I am stronger and know more about myself than this time a year ago and I can honestly say it is because of surviving the tough days. As the Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh, said, “There is the mud, and there is the lotus that grows out of the mud. We need the mud in order to make the lotus.”
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