Lean in, let’s talk. More. A little more. There. I need your undivided attention for this one. This might get a little uncomfortable, maybe even difficult for some. But we’re going to get real for a minute.
I did a thing yesterday. Nothing remarkable or extraordinary, but something I am seriously proud of. I went to therapy. Well, technically therapy came to me because... pandemic. While this isn’t exactly earth-shattering and not my first rodeo with therapy, mental health is so near and dear to my heart, the need for the open, honest dialogue surrounding our mental well-being is so, so crucial.
Backstory- I have struggled with anxiety since I was 17 or 18. I experienced a traumatic event around that time that might have been the catalyst or maybe it was always there. I don’t know, but anxiety has been a faithful companion for roughly 15 years now. If you’ve never experienced chronic anxiety it’s hard to understand. When that feeling starts to rise in my body and comes to a full crescendo, I begin to pace the floors while simultaneously feel like I’m going to crawl out of my skin. My husband will kindly say, “What do you think started it?”, it’s like, “Nothing that I can think of, dude. It’s anxiety.”
My anxiety and situational depression, (aforementioned pandemic), became so challenging in September of last year, I knew something had to change. I no longer had the coping skills in my toolbox to tackle it on my own. I decided to get on medication. It helped. I was no longer a sleeping bear ready to attack at the slightest poke. I enjoyed being a mother again. Life felt manageable. Though the medication certainly helped, my old friend anxiety would make cameo appearances every now and again.
As a yoga therapist, I work with clients with a slew of mental health challenges. I give them tools for their toolbox to help when they need it, which goes far beyond the yoga mat. It was high time that I practiced what I preached. I realized that in order to show up fully for my clients, my family, and most importantly, for myself, I had to do the work. Downward Dog wasn’t addressing the deep-seeded trauma and grief I have so meticulously swept under the rug.
There isn’t much of an ending here but more of a beginning. A beginning to my journey to acknowledge the pain that takes up space in my subconscious and is embedded in my bones. To bring life to what has been dormant for so many years and preventing me from really and truly moving forward. Some of my hesitations of getting help before this point were due to my fixation on the ‘should’. I ‘should’ know how to help myself feel better, I’m a healer by trade, for Pete’s sake. I ‘should’ be over this by now. I am so fortunate and honestly, privileged, I ‘should’ be ok. To quote one of my favorite authors and humanitarians, Jen Pastiloff, “Should is an asshole.” ‘Should’ got me nowhere.
If you are struggling, you are not alone. Mental health does not discriminate. In order to heal we must be honest, open and transparent with one another regarding mental health. Most importantly, we have to have each others’ back in this journey. Life is hard, but together, it can be better. I will leave you with this quote from Bubba, the iconic shrimp-enthusiast from the American classic film, Forrest Gump.
“I'm gonna lean up against you, you just lean right back against me. This way, we don't have to sleep with our heads in the mud. You know why we a good partnership, Forrest? 'Cause we be watchin' out for one another. Like brothers and stuff.”
Let’s all be like Bubba.
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